It’s my last sleep in Australia. My first sleep was laced with dreams of his body next to mine after our first experience of mouth to mouth contact. My last sleep will be laced with longing and the presence of gratitude for a loving that was unknown before. But an empty bed.
I’m changed. I couldn’t tell you exactly how but I feel different. I feel seen. I feel desired. I feel loved. Even if we could not or did not act on it. I feel these things.
And not just by him, though I know he helped. As did all the new people I met here, all the new people I allowed to reflect myself back to me. As did my best Australian angel face girlfriend who’s wedding to an amazing man brought me back to this place that will forever hold a place called home in my heart.
But by myself. Even if I don’t yet love my new tattoo, I know I will grow to the way I have grown to love myself. Truly. Madly. Deeply. And not because of how it looks, well not just because of how it looks because I am quite certain I will find physical beauty in it as I have in myself... and not just because of how it sounds (I know tattoos don’t sound but go with me here), or tastes, or feels, or smells... but because of what it is.
Because of what it will take to become what it is. The healing, the shading, the peaks and valleys of grey to black with a splash of pink gradients. Because of the wear and tear my skin will go through, the sun it will see, the rain it will smell, the salt water of the various oceans it will taste, the depths of emotion it will hear me express (I know tattoo’s can’t hear but go with me...), the skin of other humans it will surely touch.
Because of what I am. Because of what it has taken to become who I am. Beautiful, romantic, warm, optimistic, enthusiastic, open, welcoming, engaging, dizzying, sensual, sexual, loud, soft, scared, shy, willing, kind, intuitive and above all else capable of so much god damn loving it sometimes hurts.
And I wouldn’t trade it in for anything, not a thing.
Because of the fact that I see all these things in you. Literally, in every single person I am lucky enough to meet, or even just look at. And this, this is enough to walk through all the lessons of my life, every painful, delicious, delightful and/or pleasurable one. Whether brought on by outside opportunities or simply my desire to stay in the seat of evolution, you will be there reflecting who I am to me and I will be there reflecting who you are to you.
There’s a tightness in my throat as my head hits the pillow and my naked body rests under a clean crisp sheet. I have a fear I will lose this when I fly across the ocean home to Los Angeles. I fear I will lose the connection to the me that I met here, the me I discovered, the me I allowed myself to fall in love with. I fear I will lose the connection to the people I allowed myself to see myself in. I fear they will forget how much I love them. I fear I will forget how much I love.
The tightness closes and the tears flow out of my eyes, as I suspect they will until they are done. I suspect they will flow at the airport and on the plane as we ascend. I suspect they will flow as we descend as well. When I see that Los Angeles sun rise and feel surmounting gratitude for the amazing home I live in. When I see the face of my beloved Bodhi boy who has so patiently waited for me to come home after three flight changes or remember the absence of our dearly departed Baby. I will cry and I will remember.
I will remember who I am.
I vow here and now in this bed, during this last sleep in Australia, to invite every new part of me to move fully into my being. To embody all of it in my heart and soul. To integrate with the amazing woman I was before and see a new world through her same big brown eyes. To smell a new world through her always slightly stuffed nose, hear a new world through her open ears, touch a new world with her often calloused, dry hands, and taste a new world with every delicious bite.
I vow to remember that if I do forget it’s ok, that’s part of the deal, that’s part of the path.
I vow to steep in the deepest appreciation for this and every other moment that I have and will be lucky enough to live as Eliza.
I vow to steep in the deepest appreciation for these and every other single person, place or thing I ever have or ever will be lucky enough to love as Eliza.
And in that sense I suppose my bed isn’t empty at all... and neither am I. And in that sense I suppose I will never be... for I am full of love, always and forever... in loving.
I am yours Australia, I am yours Los Angeles, I am yours New York, I am yours world, yours life. take me, use me, fill me, inspire me, exhaust me, excite me, renew me, revive me again and again and again... you’re going to anyway so, I hand myself over to you, a willing servant to all the magic you have to give and I know, I know, I know you’ll take me on a wonderful wild ride.
Starting with wonderful dreams and just the right amount of rest to get me on the plane to fall asleep again...on my last sleep, my blessed last sleep in sydney... this time round anyway because I know, I know, I know, I’ll be back.