Don't do it....
Don’t do it, just don’t do it. Don’t go down that rabbit hole that is somehow so consistently easy to go down. I don’t want to tell you to avoid it at all costs because, well, it’s always going to be there and the more you fight it the more tempting it will be. Believe me I know, I fall into it too, and so does he and so does she and so do all of the theys you have ever laid eyes on or thought about in your entire lives, this and any other.
I mean I can’t guarantee this persey, but there’s a reason existentialism has existed for so long.
Yes you are 30 something, maybe you’re 20 something and maybe your 50 something, 60 something 70 something! It doesn’t matter, I bet money that hole is tempting you. You know the one I’m talking about, don’t play coy. Yes, I thought my life would be different than it is too at this point.
At the very least I thought I would have the perfect body whatever that means. And I thought my perfect body would attract the perfect fiance and we would be on our way to growing a human inside of me. Sure. Of course I did. But guess what, I’m not. And that’s ok. And it’s ok that I thought I would be and it’s ok that I sometime still think that and get sad that it’s not in fact happening.
But here’s what I have figured out, that is not quite the way things work. In fact not at all. Perfect bodies are the bodies we have, relationships are not meant for perfection, they are meant to call out our imperfections so that we can choose to grow together or grow apart. Children are not meant to fix things they are meant to grow into their own creatures and we as potential parents are supposed to nurture them and let them learn their own lessons the way we do plants. It’s a little more intense than horticulture but the essence is there. And here’s what else I have learned, it’s not that the grass is always greener, it’s that the grass is always green everywhere. And it’s always brown too. For everyone all at once, all at the same time.
It’s the agony and ecstasy of life, the proverbial thorn on the perfect deep red heavily scented rosebud.
It’s the knowing that as soon as there is a hello there is bound to be a goodbye. It’s the forgetting that we are the love that we seek and that while goodbyes happen no one ever really leaves. Until they do. It’s the forgetting that they always live in us, in our memories and remembering that this is not quite the same thing as smelling their necks when you go to squeeze them tight.
It’s the falling into the hole of believing that the pain that cracks our hearts wide open on any given sunday (or monday, or tuesday, or…) means there is something WRONG with us, or them, or that. It’s the forgetting in those moments that the love that overtakes us and moves our bodies to dance or hug or kiss, that moves our bodies to sway to the piercing guitar of Santo & Johnny’s Sleepwalker, that that love is who we are and that everything is in fact RIGHT with us.
Sadness is. Love is. You are. I am. 7 plus BILLION people are.
And here’s the kicker, none of us, not one, have ever been in this moment ever before. We are so young, as a culture, as a world. I know that is really hard to believe because we are so advanced and smart. I happen to know you are brilliant so I understand it’s hard to fathom that as a whole, we are young and it’s hard to fathom that there is nothing WRONG with that. The problem is that we demand against the what is-ness.
This is not to say we ought to roll over and never attempt to change things. No, we MUST change things, especially now. But this begins with accepting that there are so many infinite different experiences and even more feelings to go with them. It begins with accepting that none of us know what the fuck we are doing and that we are mostly motivated from our pain, from our fear, from our insecurities.
Can you imagine a world where all 7 plus billion people were motivated from the knowing that they were whole, complete, loved just by being born? A world where we all believed in ourselves and knew ourselves to be beautiful and amazing withOUT comparison to some societal standard of what is good or right? A world where we all loved ourselves wholly and unconditionally and were gentle and kind as each moment passed because we knew there was no wrong way to live a moment we have never lived before? A world where we knew there were consequences to actions but that didn’t make us wrong or bad? A world where we each vowed to treat each other kindly because we saw ourselves in each other? and we saw each other in ourselves? where we valued every single moment of human friction or human living as a moment where we were in fact growing? Always growing up, always growing down, reaching for higher levels of consciousness and deeper levels of the love that we are?
What if the world was like that? What if that is the path to climb towards instead of diving down that hole?
I’ll tell you what, I’ll make you a deal if you try to run this experiment with me. I know that rabbit hole remains, I can feel it right now. But instead of choosing down the hole of I am full and carrying extra weight and I still chose to eat that cookie after dinner, I am going to choose to focus on the fact that I ran longer and better than I ever have today. And that I show up for myself at the gym three days a week and while I might not run as fast or hard as that olympic trainer, I run as fast and as hard as I can and is there really a difference there if we are both pushing our edge? and my body feels good, it feels alive, full, but alive.
Instead of choosing to focus on the fact that I am going to bed alone and I feel hopeless at flirting I am going to focus on the fact that I had lovely conversations with lovely men today and I flirted well with them and they flirted right back with me. and I know it is possible for me to let my guard down and say a deeper hello to a man when the time is right to do so, and I know that time is coming. until then I will choose to focus on the fact that this is my opportunity to step forward as the woman I want to be in a relationship and not the girl I never was.
I am going to boldly propose that we don’t need more money, more stuff, more war, more separation, more security, more perfect bodies, more sex, more boyfriends, more girlfriends, more cars, more houses, more children, more building, more doing.
We need more love, more kindness, more patience, more connection, more authenticity, more art, more song, more dance, more color, more intimacy, more slow walks in the sun, more body moving, more community, more compassion, more space, more breathing, more being.
Instead of choosing down the rabbit hole of compare and despair I will choose to celebrate each and every brother and sister for the loving and perfectly imperfect human they are because here’s the truth: this is who we are, human.
perfectly imperfect bumbling brilliant beautiful humans inherently worthy of the love that we are.