And as she did...
There she stood, tall, strong, grounded in her truth. She knew what she had to do but she was scared to do it. She knew what she stood for and what she believed in her bones, what she knew in her bones, but acting on it meant breaking free from what was perhaps her biggest, baddest, oldest behavior pattern that had historically saved her. Now, it only held her back. So there she stood on the edge of her metaphorical cliff.
There she stood on the edge of the cliff, staring out over the Los Angeles skyline. Downtown to the left, the pacific to the right. She inhaled deeply considering the last twenty plus years she had spent in this city, away from her home, away from her family, having tried to break the pattern so many of those years ago. And she had, broken it, much of it anyway. She was not necessarily living to please the way she used to. Certainly not as co-dependently. Certainly not as externally validated.
Not as. Because as she stood at this cliff staring out over her city, she could not help but become aware that she was doing it again. It was less painful she was able to recognize, though that didn’t make the pain feel any less real. And it was a shorter time frame too, which she recalled was the measure of actual growth according to her old therapist who she had been meaning to e-mail for years. The sky was blue again, for the first time in days. Rare for Southern California. It had been raining, a lot, which had been an appropriate reflection for the internal storms brewing inside of her.
She kicked a pebble off of the cliff and listened as it hit each edge on its way down. The impact the tiny pebble had on its journey to the bottom was not lost on her. Pointedly stopping to make it’s mark on each exact spot of the giant mountain. She wondered where it landed and peered over a little too close for comfort, loosening more dirt to fly to the bottom of the ravine.
Why did these pebbles land where they landed and how did they pick each perfect spot to hit? She thought about her life and the world around her. How are there so many billions and billions of pebbles? And why do certain pebbles end up in certain places? Is it all a game of random chaos or is there a bigger plan, a bigger picture? Why out of the 7 billion pebbles on this planet did I end up being in the same orbit as the pebbles I orbit? She frowned.
And what do these pebbles have to tell me? What is their purpose? And why, god, why am i so scared of taking this leap? Fear? Fear of the unknown? Fear of letting go of the comfort I know and walking into something that I do not? Fear of making a mistake? Fear of experiencing the pain of disappointment? Of embarrassment? Of abandonment? Of shame?
She knew the pebbles were screaming at her begging her to jump. But how could she when so many people she loved were suffering? How could she actually go for it when so many people were facing so many desperate times which everybody knows calls for desperate measures. How could she ask god to help her? How could she step through her fear, shame, embarrassment and really ask for what she wanted when…..
A giant gust of wind blew up from behind her and her balance was knocked. Her heart rate quickened and her breath left her, but only for a moment. She knew the answer to that and she knew that if she stayed with her feet planted firmly where they were for very much longer she would wither, weaken and dissolve into the nothingness from whence she came.
Everybody’s scared, everybody’s embarrassed, everybody’s disappointed and everyone fears abandonment but no one is ever, ever alone, because we always have ourselves. Those things are myths, oh they feel real, they feel very, very real, let us not be naive. But they are myths all the same. And the only thing to do, the only thing for any of us to do as pebbles so naturally do on their own, it be so fully and wholly and unapologetically ourselves that it gives others permission to do the same.
With kindness and respect and reverence for this crazy, mixed up, un-understandable human experience, of course, always. Kindness, respect, reverence for each other as brothers and sisters of the same race all with blood that pumps and hearts that break, wide, open and bleed. My god this life is short and why would we do anything but live it? Fully? Boldly? Openly?
She could feel a smile crawl across her mouth and her palms began to sweat. She knew, she had always known. And she was aware not everybody did. Not everyone knows what their passion is, what their god given gifts, what their purpose on this earth rock is. But she did. She knew her biggest purpose was to awaken to herself as love, as is the purpose for all things, pebbles included. And she knew her purpose was to shine bright, as bright as she could bringing her words into fruition, onto the page, into the light.
Her eyes filled with tears as she thought about all the people who supported her, all the people who loved her, all the people she had loved. So much depth, so much laughter, so many tears and years of watching, listening and growing. Years of releasing and dissolving the old to cultivate and fertilize the new. But her land was ripe now, it needed mulching, it needed tending to and she knew, she knew there was only one way to do it.
So she took another deep breath in, and a few steps back. Then, after pausing a moment to really feel her feet firmly on the ground, taking a running start, she jumped.
And as she did, she held out her arms and felt the air blow through her hair. And as she did, her arms expanded and grew and caught the wind in the most delicious ways. And as she did, she flew. And as she did, she knew there was no turning back, she couldn’t even if she tried. It was forward motion now. Only forward, only bright, only real, only honest, only true. And she would respect her truth and she would respect the truth of others. And she would live and she would love. And she would continue to, as often as she could, fly.
And she would invite all those she loved to fly with her. She would invite them to forget about embarrassment and shame, to forget about hiding or living half lives. She would invite them all into her technicolor because they all deserved to live it. Every single thing deserved to know this feeling and she would lead by example and walk in love and show the world it could be done. Because if she could do it…
And she landed gently on the ground again, exhilarated, let in on the world's best secret, ready to run to the top of the mountain, scream it out loud for all to hear and do it all again. But before she did, she looked down and at her feet, perfectly placed, waiting for her, was the pebble. She laughed because she had to, put it in her pocket and started up to the top of the mountain again.
There was much work to do and she was ready to do it.