It’s love day. It’s a day celebrating love. Love is the best. Love is my favorite thing ever. Like in the whole wide world. And dedicating a day to celebrate it? How wonderful! How incredible! How amazing! Only there’s this slight weight that comes with it for me. Oh I have tried to fight it, tried to ignore it, tried to embrace it, tried to numb it out, tried to hide it and myself underneath any cover i perceive as safe but, it remains. It’s not as strong as it was in my younger years which is, believe me, welcome. But last Friday, there it was, as clear and recognizable as ever.
Another Valentine’s Day, and I am alone.
Like a bee, a sweet beautiful, inherently purposeful and useful creature buzzing around, floating in my consciousness. Waiting, partaking of my sweet, happy-go-lucky nature, sipping of the wide-eyed and joy-filled days and nights. Spreading it even, the sweetness of me, the sweetness that people speak of and reflect back to me. This unsuspecting bee takes it in like the nectar of a flower and then...at always the perfect time...stings me.
Another Valentine’s Day, and I am alone.
And on this Friday I listened. That sting took me all the way down and in its own inherently purposeful way shone a brighter light on the places in my head where I am perhaps not being very nice to myself. The voices that keep the tape of unlovable running. The tape of unworthy and disgusting and too muches and not enoughs and you’re brokens and you’re never going to get it rights. Interestingly it’s moved on from thinking this is ever about the other, except for the fact that it’s entirely triggered by the other, but that’s just semantics.
No, I know it’s all about me to me. I know it’s all inside me. I know this tape, these voices, these sweet protective voices, are trained and habitual. They have not gone away yet though and perhaps even worse is the next round of self flagellation. The how could you still be here, the you know better than this, the what’s wrong with you, when will you let this go, why won’t you let someone in, why won’t you just believe that you are lovable?
Why won’t you just tell yourself a different story? A better story? A new fucking narrative?
And that’s when it got interesting. For the rest of the day I became hyper aware of just how negative my self talk was. Just how quickly I jumped to those tapes that had been running in my head for thirty nine years. Well, hopefully a little less than that, I am quite certain those tapes took time to develop. And i am beyond blame or trying to or needing to understand why these tapes seeded and where and how. I mean it’s not useless information to know but ultimately it doesn’t matter. The tapes are there and they’re running.
And for the rest of the day with every negative thought I began to wonder what it might be like, what might life be like, what might my life be like if I had an opposite response, an opposite thought running than the thoughts that sting, the thoughts that weigh down the issue of love when the issue of love becomes weighty.
And for the rest of the day, and the next, I questioned all of my thoughts. And then I questioned everyone else’s. I wondered, do all the people who are in couples have better inner dialogue with themselves? And I know that being in a couple is not the end all be all of our life's experience. I know that once I am coupled life will be equally as wonderful and equally as difficult. I know that a boyfriend or a husband or a child will not fix anything because i know there is nothing to fix. This I really know and yet…
Another Valentine’s Day, and I am alone.
And yet… I know this is not true. First of all, I am not alone. I am surrounded by the most wonderful people. It’s true. I literally have the best team ever. I have the most amazing support system that shows up as healers, teachers, friends, cousins, sisters, parents, godparents, pets, colleagues, bosses. Yes even my bosses are that amazing. I also know that I have a team from beyond. I feel my grandmother with me always, and my aunt, and my gene and toni, and I know they are hobnobbing with the archangels and ascended masters so no, I am not alone.
But even if I was, let’s say “alone”, in physical world reality as I am right now. Alone in my house that I heard filled with the laughter of children the moment I walked in to see it with my realtor. Alone in my office with my candle lit and my music blasting. Alone in my kitchen preparing a meal for one. Alone in my bathtub soaking in all the luxuriousness of who I am. My god I am not alone. I have me. I am there. And when I think about myself, as a baby, as a young girl, as a teenager, as a post graduate, as a young adult and now as a….well an adult… I have so much reverence.
Oh my gosh we have been through so much together me, myself and I. So many adventures, so many heartbreaking wide open moments. So many beautiful, sad, uplifting, disappointing, expansive, contracting moments. How could I have anything but unrelenting, unconditional, unwavering love for her? How could I speak to her in any other way? When I see that girl in the pictures my heart cracks open and I can feel the light shining through. She didn’t know. That’s all, she simply didn’t know.
But I do now. I know and I am gratefully and gracefully receiving reminders every day from all of my angels. And now is the moment to make a change. Now is the time to realize that that light that is shining through is and has always been there. And it’s always been beautiful and it’s always been lovable. In fact the only person who hadn’t been seeing it, and praising it, and reveling in it this whole time was the person looking back. And in fact the only person who she has ever wanted to see her in this way was and is the person looking back.
So, what if I changed the tape. What if from this moment forward instead of you’re too fat or not pretty enough or undesirable, I said, you are zaftig, strong as all get out and incredibly, in fact, undeniably sexy. What if instead of you’re not enough and never will be I said sweetie, you are so much more than enough. You are just the right amount all the time in every single moment. What if instead of I’m broken and don’t know how to be with men I said you are incredible and the right man will enjoy the hell out of you if he’s lucky enough to find you. And until then babe? You’ve got me. And I’m all in, all the time, from here on out until the end of time and then some.
And now I see it from a whole new angle. This whole time the thing that I have been trying to fight, the thing I have ignored, never really embraced, numbed out and hidden from is the inherently pure truth of who I am as love. And man, I love. The extent of the degree that I love is in fact who I actually am. I have been hiding myself. I have not been singing as loudly as I have wanted to in my heart. I have not been acting at all and I want to in my heart, all the time I want to. I am writing now and now I am starting to realize how important it is for me to share that. For in sharing all of these things I am sharing the love that I am.
And it’s him too, and her. It’s we, and they, and you…. Yes you. Yes, you are love too. Love is my favorite thing ever. Like in the whole wide world. And I love love. So guess what, I love you. Love is the best. Love lights up the world. Love lights up our souls and connects us and reminds us that we are here to live out loud with each other, through each other, by each other and we are each of us individually love, perfect whole and complete love. And as such what if, what if we only tolerated sweet talk from here on out?
That’s right i’m inviting you to take the Valentine’s Day challenge with me. Love out. Love hard. Love strong. And let it start with you. Hold your own hand. Buy yourself flowers. Partnered or not. Stand in front of a mirror and stare deeply into the beauty of your own eyes, stroke your cheek if you like, caress your hips, but hold that eye contact steady and strong and then just sweet talk yourself as sweetly as you have ever sweet talked anyone in your entire life. Sweet talk yourself right into bed if you can. And then wake up and keep sweet talking yourself tomorrow. Make every day love day. Make every day you day. Are you with me?
Another Valentine’s Day, and I am so not alone.