Yesterday I slept...
Yesterday I slept. Literally all day. And to be honest, I didn’t do much more than that the day before, and frankly i don’t want to much more today. But I have to, so I will. I slept and I slept hard. And I could probably go to sleep again, right now after another full nights sleep.
I don’t think I am sick. Allergies maybe, hence my sleeping supplement which parenthetically worked leaving me pathetically paralyzed. God bless benadryl right? God bless all the things that help me numb out when I need to numb out. Because let’s be honest for a minute shall we?
I know that numbing out long term is not the healthy option. I know that numbing out long term in some parts of the world, in some parts of my brain, in some parts of reality is actually called addiction. And I know that these days most of us are addicted to one, if not many things all at the same time. And that is not, by the way, limited to drugs or alcohol or Benadryl. There's TV, food, instagram, 12 step meetings themselves can be all consuming and addictive to the right addictive personality.
To me, addiction is anything that removes the ability to stay present to whatever emotions we may be feeling for an extended period of time. Anything that allows us to skip out on the hard human stuff for what we think will be forever. That's where I think it comes from. Ironically some of us, ok well I can't speak for others, but me, I am, addicted to sadness and existential angst. For me, for some reason, the good stuff in life feels hard and I know to some that might sound ridiculous but it's true. I have had a historical tendency to stay in my misery because… well there are lots of becauses but right now I am more curious about what would happen if I didn't try to avoid it. If I instead allowed myself to have all the experiences, including the occasional numbing.
After all, we don't get teeth pulled without lidocaine do we? We don't fix broken bones without anesthesia. Well not bad ones anyway. What if a little numbing was sometimes necessary? And don't get me wrong, I'm not supporting addiction, believe me. Anything in excess gets dangerous, anything mindless will most likely just result in it taking longer for us to get where our hearts want to take us. But what if, what if every now and then we needed to shut off? What if we needed to zone out? What if we needed to sleep?
Granted there's nothing like sleep. Sleep is the best. The Dalai Lama has said it's the best form of healing. But sometimes we can't sleep, especially in this day and age with all the stimulation coming at us from every angle. Sleep being my first choice of course, what if the occasional instagram scroll, or tv session was a second best to sleep? What if a night out was a third? What if mindless anything for just a moment was a needed for us to take a break and tap out for just a moment?
I do these things and berate myself for the next handful of days for being an awful human. The world's worst. If I were better I wouldn't have done that. If I were better I would have finished my novel by now. I would have jogged 3 miles every morning. I would be more honest to people in my world and be living a more aligned life rich with integrity and healthy choices. Clearly if I were better I would have the perfect body and a husband by now. I would have made all the changes I talk about ad nauseum instantly and be forever set up in the oasis that are my heartfelt dreams. If i were better….i wouldn't have slept away a whole day, no two!
Do you think a butterfly says this to herself? Do you think a butterfly curses the very chrysalis she has lived her whole life until that moment to build? On the stages of becoming a butterfly: “from the outside of the pupa, it looks as if the butterfly may just be resting, but the inside is where all the action is. Inside of the pupa the butterfly is rapidly changing.”
Consider for a moment that we need rest too. And yes sleeping may in fact be the healthiest choice. Far better that mindless behaviors but consider that we need to, literally need to, shut down for some time in order to gear up for change. Change which is by the way constant. Sometimes it's big and obvious. Sometimes it's soft and subtle. Sometimes it's by our choosing and sometimes it's slammed into us with what seems like no choice at all. How we respond of course, that is for us to choose.
Think about what we go through as humans. It’s truly spectacular. Birth, death, growing up, always growing up, falling in love, falling out of love, falling for the illusions of physical world reality, forgetting about the spiritual context, remembering the spiritual context, making friends, losing friends, finding four legged friends, losing four legged friends, broken bones, broken open hearts, bankruptcy financial and emotional alike, demolition, restoration, my god it’s endless. And every day the sun sets and the moon rises, and we theoretically sleep and wake up to do it all again. We are magnificent creatures and like the butterfly display our beauty in our way.
There are some big changes occurring in my life. I'm getting ready to make some big bold moves and people in my life, some of my favorite people, are literally moving. Others are navigating their own major life changes whether that is the arrival of a new baby, a new love, a wedding or the departure of a beloved, the ending of a job, the closing of a door. Their life changes of course affect our life which changes with every sunset and moonrise. It's the only constant, truly, and sometimes with change we need rest. Usually with change we need rest. And these days who actually lets themselves rest?
I do. And I will. And in the future I intend to do so consciously or at the very least once I realize I'm in it, allow it to unfold and trust that inside of me, all the action is happening, just like the butterfly. And today as I wake up, because I will wake up today and get out of bed, not because I have to but because I want to, I will slowly and carefully spread my wings and cherish whatever changes have occurred whether I can see them or not.
I will love the beauty that is living this human life for all of its moments and all of its ever changing ways and i will celebrate myself and you in any which way i can, even if it's just more sleep.