I am burning hot. So hot. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s just the way I am wired and I am beginning to wonder if I like it.....
I can’t think. I can eat and sleep thank god. but my body, my brain, my being is consumed with desire. Desire to kiss someone, a specific someone, a man. Like a real man. A tall man. A man who seems like a kind man.
But of course because I’m me, and this seems to be the lesson of my lifetime so far (but god help me I am so willing and ready to learn it and move to the next), an unavailable man. An unavailable man who is just as into me as I am into him. An unavailable man with whom I’m quite certain based on chemistry alone there is a very real soul contract at play with.
And I know how this works. I’ve been around this exact block so many times it’s enough to drive a woman crazy. And I think it might be, driving me crazy. So right, I know the questions to ask and mostly I even know the answers.
where am I unavailable to myself? Where do I have something so delicious, so juicy, so explosive to offer myself? Where am I holding back from allowing myself full expression?
But right now all I can’t think about are the things you need another body for. And I know myself enough to know I don’t want to do that with any body. And right now all I can think about is his body. All I can think about is how badly I want to kiss this man again. And how badly I want him to kiss me. Everywhere. Every. Where. All. Over. And over and...
And it’s a gift. It’s all a fucking gift as frustrating as it might feel because I also understand at a certain level that all that’s actually happening is I’m falling in love with myself. This man is a reflection of me. An incredibly handsome and sturdy reflection of me. Beautiful, stunning and sturdy me.
I see myself today differently than I did last week. Today I see myself as a woman to fall in love with. A woman who is worth falling in love with. I have been allowing myself to experience myself in love, doing my best not to attach that loving to him, or more truthfully doing my best to release that attachment to him as soon as I’m aware I’m in it.
I have been allowing myself to look in my own eyes, in love, and say, that’s you, that’s you you’re falling in love with. It’s not actually him, he’s reflecting you. this is the amount of love you have inside of you, this is who you are. And no matter how seductively painful the illusion is that it’s him and that if he doesn’t choose you, you must be unlovable and disgusting, it’s not true.
It’s simply not true.
“You’re lovely.” He said. Even he, even unavailable, in his own life, with his own habits to break or not break, even he is able to see who I really am. He may not currently be in a place to have the wherewithal to be with me, in any real capacity, and frankly I may not either but he did not allow this to diminish my light in his eyes. “You’re lovely.”
And I am. And he is. And we are. And you are. No matter what. No matter what may or may not physically transpire. And I know, I know someday and maybe even someday soon, just on the other side of that proverbial door, there will be a man, a tall man, a sexy man, a man who wakes me up the way this one has, who is available, wholly and completely. And who can choose to be with me easily and freely. And I will fall in love with myself all over again and offer my whole heart in love to him and he to me and we will say yes. Yes, yes, yes.
And it won’t be off into the sunset happily ever after because it never is. The grass is never greener. in fact it’s only green where you water it and sometimes it’s really easy to forget to water things we get comfortable in. But it will be real and it will be solid because we will talk about how we’re not in love with each other but instead we are supporting each other in awakening to the love that we already are. And we will agree to lovingly remind each other if it seems like we are forgetting. And in that awareness and agreement we will have the most delicious life and the most connected kisses.
And until then and for right now until the cycle dissolves, and I know it is dissolving, I will return to myself as many times over as I need to while simultaneously wishing that it were this man. I will have my fantastical thinking and then release us both from attachment and outcome as many times as I need to in one second all the while dreaming, hoping, aching to kiss this man again. Over and over and over.
And yes I’ll do so all the while burning hot because, lucky me, that’s just the way this woman is wired, thank god... and when that man, either this one or the next shows up for those kisses... lucky, lucky him...