take me, I'm yours...
the screensaver moves, shifts, blends, bleeds…colors, lines, shapes... growing, reaching, flowing... in no specific pattern at all just continuously lengthening and retracting over and over and over...
it was morning and the woman, not yet awake, felt like she was crashing. it has been a long, miraculous beautiful week and in this moment she could not help but join these said lines, reaching, transporting, reviewing, traveling into the various memories of her past one hundred and sixty eight hours.
laughter, tears, healings, candle-lit naked skin seen as beautiful for the first time in her adult life, sleeping in the arms of the lord, no longer tempted by the fantasy of her imagined lover.the lord, she smiled watching the blue turn pink, the lord is good.
she let her eyelids drift shut despite being relied upon and trusted that this journey would take her exactly where she needed to go. freeing herself of any and all limitations she found herself at the beach, standing on the edge of the water.
water that she had feared for thirty plus years. the same water that was on the other side of the globe called the atlantic only here it was the pacific. it was the same water as those rough and tumble waves that had taken her out of the ocean game in bridgehampton back in 1984. water that was lapping at her feet, pleading, begging, lovingly caressing her sun kissed skin…
come in, it’s safe, i want you, you are part of me, feel me, breathe me, let me hold you, let me move you, let me….
and then she was there. she walked right in towards two people who she loved. they inspired her, they made her jealous, they woke her up to a desire inside and the ocean heard her, and the ocean held her, and the ocean moved her.
from the tender caress of the sea, her memory lines transported her directly to the center of the sea of people she had been in days earlier, after the ocean, before the crash. standing in what felt like thousands upon thousands of mostly younger-side-of-life people, she felt her heart beat steadily in her chest. the sun was setting over the santa monica pier and the moon’s gentle light was beginning to grace the skin of those around her.
everyone. looked. beautiful. everyone. looked. alive. she couldn’t quite place the feeling that was vibrating through her entire body, it wasn’t exactly comfortable and yet she definitely didn’t hate it.
clouds of marijuana smoke floated across her face and she was overcome with a sweetness of emotion for her own younger years. she was fast traveling again to sheep’s meadow in central park where there was space, unlike on the pier, where there were bodies. and these two places existed at once. crowdedness and space.
space to feel the grass under her skin and stare up at the clouds lying next to the boy she had fallen head over heels for at age 14, too stoned to say, hi...i like you, too nervous. instead turning her head towards his and using her eyes and her delicate lipped smile, sending all of the brain waves she could muster towards him hoping, pleading, begging him to get the message, hi...i like you.
she turned around and looked at the tall handsome man behind her, aware neither of them were teenagers anymore and caught his eye. they smiled at each other and before either of them could speak any words at all, the three men from australia graced the stage and the thousands of thousands of people all began to move.
the music kicked in and the synthesized sounds pierced the woman's heart. her hand lept to her mouth having not experienced music in her bones at this level for way too long. it felt immeasurably good. the corners of her mouth curved up and she could feel the sparks shooting out of her eyes.…. the blond man sang... the tall man’s fingers hit the keyboard… the ruggedly handsome drummer heightened the whole thing with his build of beats and all of a sudden there they were….
thousands upon thousands of people, swaying, jumping, moving, breathing, singing, sweating, loving, laughing, crying, living.
and she looked up at the moon now gracing the dark sky and the star to the left of it and she could felt the heat of the man behind her, and she leaned against his chest and felt as they moved as one with the entire crowd, as one. and it was just like the ocean, she thought, and she identified that she very much liked everything that was going on around her and that she did in fact want to remember it and stay there forever, in any way she could, forever.
she thought about that boy in central park, and then about that boy from high school and then about the man behind her and then about the man she had been sleeping with, all people who had her invite butterflies from her stomach into her heart. as the music continued to pulse and the smoke continued to waft and the crowd continued to move she thought about her best friend from kindergarten and her best friends from work, they would love this. they used to do this all the time ...
they used to, i used to, we used to….and we are all together and all of these boys, and men, and women and friends and family and thousands of people, live in me, right here, right now, right like this.
she turned again and caught the man’s blue eyes sparkling back right at her and she didn’t think she could smile any harder and the break hit and the whole pier started jumping up and down and moving the structure as if there were no tomorrow, no yesterday, only now.
this is adventure, she thought, this is so not me, she thought, this is how i want to live, she thought, always…….
she squeezed her eyes tight to capture it and flew in time back through the waves, back through the edge of the water, back through the candle lit naked beauty, back through the laughter, back through the tears, through the shedding of skin, through the growth and the expansion, through the arms of the lord that held her so tenderly, so sweetly, so strong. she traveled back through the lines of her memory banks and opened her eyes to see those neon octopus arms on the mac screensaver still reaching aware only seconds had past. and from the recess of her mind she heard the lyrics of the song from that night on the pier and realized…
it was life. it was god. it was earth mother. it was all the angels and all the ascended masters and goddesses and beings of light both of this world and not of this world. it was the ocean, it was the fire, it was the earth, it was the air, begging, pleading, lovingly inviting her and reminding her…
if you want me, if you need me, i’m yours…..if you want me, if you need me i’m yours.
and she knew in that moment there was only one thing to say to that invitation, over and over and over again.
yes. yes. yes…. take me, i’m yours.