That thing I do...
there's this thing i do, and maybe you do it too. to be fair, i'm almost one hundred percent certain we all do it. and it begets thought upon thought and decision upon decision and story upon story and judgement upon judgment. and as far as i can tell it begets suffering and the spiritual amnesia we all so beautifully cling to as upset, as chaos, as drama, as depression, as loneliness, as....fill in the compliant blank here.
don't get me wrong, as much as even i complain about all of those things and many others (not my best trait and probably not my worst), they are all based in the illusion of alone, the illusion of control, of safety, of comfort, the illusion that we actually need any of those things to begin with. and sure, sometimes, in certain circumstances of physical world reality, we absolutely do.
but there’s another part of us who knows that in point of fact, that there is no separation other than these space suits we wear. that there is no need for protection because as my spiritual teacher says, in perfect vulnerability lies perfect protection. i’m pretty sure that cat jesus said something like that too, and probably buddha, and yogananda and baba g and so on and so forth.
because the thing is in truth is truth. and i can’t say i know exactly what this means but i also know, very deeply that it’s true.
but back to that thing i do, that maybe you do too, that i think truly starts us all down that rabbit hole of despair. i hop out of the now at what seems like any chance i get.
i go back and i wonder...did i say something wrong? did i look ugly? did he notice my back fat? is that why we aren’t dating? should i not have said that at work? did anyone hear me say that? do you think i will loose my job? do you think i ate the wrong thing? too much cheese maybe? did i spend too much money? will i ever get it back? will i ever be where i want to be? i wonder if i could have done it better? i wonder if they all realize i have no clue of what i am doing based upon what i am assuming this illusive they want from me.
i go forward and question… what if i said this? what if i asked him that? what if we went there and fell in love like this and what if he kissed me under that palm tree on the street outside my house? surely then he would realize how amazing it could be, how much fun we could have? surely then he would love me and my life would be perfect. what if i told my boss what was really happening? what if i did what i really wanted to do? the thing that really makes my soul sing? the thing that scares me? why am i not? what if i lost all the weight and looked like all the women on all the screens and billboards? then my life would be amazing. right? what if they all saw me as the amazing woman i know i can be based on what i think this illusive they want me to be? and what if i’m not.
see what happens there? neither of those roads gets me any closer to the truth. in fact they both take me further and further away because they are full of judgements. judgements againt myself and judgements against everyone i interact with. the truth is none of us have a clue what we’re doing. none of us have ever ever been in this exact moment before no matter how familiar it seems. shit can change at any given minute. and now is actually the only time shit happens.
ever notice how so often when someone gets sick, like terminally sick, they start living for themselves? bravely, courageously, boldly? ever notice when you forget about the future or the past how much enjoyment lives in the right now? ever realize how brilliant you are at being you in every moment you have ever lived? it’s true, i know you may not believe me but it’s true. you are an expert in one thing, or at least you could be because you have technically had the opportunity to study it your whole life. and i am the expert in one thing too.
and i know when i stay present, when i stay open, when i stay connected in the now, in the who-ness of who i am, i am not questioning anything. and i have this sneaking suspicion this is perfect vulnerability and i vaguely understand how this could open the door for perfect protection. how this could open the door for the awareness that when i am me, fully me, wholly and unapologetically me and when i can allow others to be fully them, wholly and unapologetically them, i will not need protection.
and i will experience the love that i am and live in beauty and creativity and peace and the knowing of my inherent worth and unique gifts and talents that i have been tasked to share with the people on this spinning rock in the sky. (you have been tasked too, with something, i promise, even if it is just your smile. like your smile could ever be qualified as just, like anyone’s could, ha!)
creation happens now and often i wonder how much more graceful creation could be if i were present to it in every moment.
so this is my intention, my vow, to be vigilantly present. to see and listen with the eyes of my heart. to show up as completely and wholly as i can in any given moment, knowing that i have no idea what i am doing, admitting it, being vulnerable and taking the risk of making a mistake. making a mistake all in service to learning and to more and more creation in all i do. and taking the risk of being seen and being loved and being acknowledged as the beauty i actually am, the beauty we all are. i will take the risk to show up as often as i can and remember as often as i can it is my birthright to be me and it is yours to be you.
i will do this by observing, by listening, by watching. as soon as i am aware i am out of a moment, usually it’s anxiety, questioning or straight up paralyzing fear that takes me out, i will stop. i will breath. i will feel the ground, in whatever form it is in, under my feet. i will feel the sun, or the air conditioner on my skin. i will close my eyes for a moment and invite my heart to come back to center. if i am with another human being i will look for the smallest part of their eyes and i will try to find their soul’s smile as in doing i am trying to find mine.
i will cherish the misunderstandings and the stories and i will lovingly share that while the experiences are important, while the memories can be lovely, the attachment to them is no longer necessary. it is ok to leave the there there and really let it go. i will love the parts that wonder if they could have done it better and i will love the parts that want to know what is going to happen. i will remind them all that the most important thing on either side of that equation is now. and by investing in the now you can let go of yesterday and move towards tomorrow.
because here’s the thing, yesterday’s already happened, as it always does and tomorrow will arrive shortly, as it always does. so what do we do with today??
i say we live it. right here, right now, out loud and with as much authenticity and presence as we possibly can. let’s honor who we are right now. here, i know it’s scary so i’ll go first. i will honor myself right now. not when i have lost weight, not when i have secured that mythic man whatever that means, not when i have published the book….
but now, as i love my amazing, strong, capable body. as i open my heart and dissolve shoulds and shouldn’ts and social expectations when it comes to the man or men i share my time with or my bed with, as i open to authentic connecting at all the levels. as i write my book and enjoy every scene and every present moment for my characters as much as i enjoy the moments of my life.
every moment. right now. this breath. this feeling. this chair. this keyboard. this music in my ears. this candle light on my smooth soft skin. this all of it.
and tomorrow, provided the sun comes up, i will do it all again.