This world is ridiculous
This world is ridiculous. The mental machinations and emotional warfares we wage on ourselves are ridiculous. It’s no wonder what’s being reflected to us in the outside world given that which is happening inside us all on the daily. What if we reflected something else? What if instead of reflecting our insecurities and doubt we reflected the truth of who we really are? What if we reflected our unique and inherent magic?
I was part of a ceremony a few weeks ago with seven, no eight, lovely people. Lovely, lovely people. And after some amazing earth connecting and kundalini chanting, my eyes came into focus and my heart started laughing. Hysterically. I looked around the room and saw these beautiful open faces and open hearts. Everyone wearing white, everyone clinging to a crystal, everyone intently focused on their healing and I could not, stop, laughing.
This is ridiculous I heard echoing in my head. This whole thing is ridiculous. It’s beautiful but absurd. The ways in which we think we are broken, the ways in which we think we are flawed, the things we cling to to remind us that we are perfectly imperfect whole and complete as is…. It’s all just so ridiculous.
Later, when my body was craving sun, clothes became ridiculous. Think about it, why do we even need to wear clothes? So I took them off and got sunburnt and remembered, clothes are kind of important. The metaphor however was not lost on me. Constraint, of the expression of who I am, of the love that I am, the love that we all are - totally ridiculous.
Even later when I had moved into a cove of trees and decided to make it my home I remembered being 5. I became 5 and I felt so alive. I looked around the world and thought about all these adult worries I had been carrying with me and the laughter flooded in again! I was laughing so hard I was crying. When I opened my eyes the trees were waving hello, they wanted me to sing. And the ocean was glittering and the birds were flapping their wings in agreement. Everything was pulsing and sparkling and my insides felt lit up like fireworks.
And I realized - that gem, that spark, that delight of aliveness that we see in a child’s eye, all day, every day - that is available to us now, always, forever. It’s who we are. It’s who we have always been and it’s who we always will be. We just have something they call maturity now. Language, ways to express, words, pens, paper, paint, blank canvases, endless, limitless and endless possibilities to create.
but so many of us forget that magic that lies in us. Without blame or fault, so many of us were not taught to share it, not to nurture it or cultivate it, and certainly not to watch it grow.
This world is so very externally referenced. I, for so long, and admittedly still, can be so very externally referenced. I have sought my worth in you, in him, in her, in them. I have sought my worth in how this very week’s writing will be received. If it’s terrible, am I? If no one likes it, does no one like me? Ridiculous. And completely counter intuitive to the very creative magic I want to tap into.
So no! Not this time. This time I will write and I will let the words pour out of me and I will feel the joy in my fingertips as they press on every single key spelling out these words regardless of if they make any sense at all to me or to you. And I will surrender whether this writing gets posted on Tuesday or if it even gets posted at all. Because my worth, my joy, my magic is NOT wrapped up in this document and its delivery. It is not wrapped up in what you think of it. It iss not wrapped up in anything but my own precious beating love filled heart. I own it and it is my responsibility to love it, to see it, to know it, to honor it, to share it.
I am delighted to get to walk this earth and connect with as many incredible people as possible. Has my heart been broken? Yes! Thank god! It breaks open, over and over and over again. Has my skin bled? Yes! Thank god! I know I am alive over and over and over again. Have I fallen into the illusion of time, of separation, abandonment, superiority, inferiority, too much or not enoughness? Yes! Thank god! And I am reminded every time I open my spiritual eyes and heart that none of these things are true. I am delighted to create new things in every moment. Have I made mistakes? Yes! Thank god! Mistakes that take me to the very next thing, the very next magical and mystical adventure.
I lay on a hardwood floor last night after an hour of breathing. breathing as exercise, as a spiritual practice. The facilitator had made a playlist of beautiful music to cocoon us in our individual empowered experiences. A cover of one of my first favorite songs ever echoed into the room and though it was a completely different arrangement and voice I found myself on that pale blue rug with the white border instantly. I felt that scratchy carpet on my four year old back and I saw the music traveling out of those huge hi-fi speakers that were my father’s prized possession. I felt my parents enjoying my delight, I felt us all together. In this timeless, spaceless place, I felt everything and everyone I had ever known.
Hours later I discovered fireworks! On my phone! And one of my very favorite newish friends (in the 38 year scheme of things) and I stayed up way too late delighting in the magic of the newest iphone update. Balloons, lasers, confetti, a shooting star and FIREWORKS! I felt them inside me as pure as that day in the trees.
I could not help but marvel at the way in which she and I traveled straight to the center of our hearts, miles away from each other yet completely connected. We had lost all track of our busyness, and believe me she and I may very well just be the two busiest people you know. We had lost all track of what we needed to do or how we should be feeling about anything that was happening at all. We were 100% present to our joy.
Sure, the next morning I would be tired, and probably get romanced into my insane mental machinations and emotional warfare but in that moment, in the moments on the floor, the moments in my memories, the moments with the plants and the lovely people, the moments in the trees, in the moments I haven’t even told you about...in those moments I am magic, and I know it. In all of those moments with all my amazing friends, or driving with the top down in southern california any old day I want, or writing these weekly musings, or diving into the characters of my novel and what they're doing next, or opening my mouth and singing a song finding myself covered in goose bumps, or connecting with other creative souls, or participating in someone's healing and transformation or just you know, breathing, in, this amazing air….
...this amazing air that I am so very happy to be here to inhale. I am so aware that it is the joy, it is the freedom of our full authentic expression that makes that air taste so much more delicious. When I live in that place there is nothing more beautiful than the world we live in. When I celebrate what I am doing and honor the magicness of me, of you, of him, her, them, we - the whole world radiates the most magnificent vibration of warmth and love.
When I am in this space I forget about any heartbreak (which I am sure I will welcome again until I am with my beloved and even then our hearts will break but may they break together with the agreement to keep on growing). I forget about my habitual self-criticism (something I am working on releasing entirely). I forget about comparing myself to others or questioning anything about my life (something I would like to forget about forever).
When I am in this space my mental machinations and emotional warfare disappear and I only see the richest reds and moodiest blues. I taste rosemary on my tongue just by thinking of it. I feel my heart grow inside my chest wondering if it will explode when I think about my tribe, my people, my family blood and chosen. I can hear the crickets legs making sweet sweet music in homage to this amazing place we live.
When I am in this space I see this world for what it is and I love it. Every single deliciously magic and ridiculous part. Now, what would the world be like if I lived that way always and had only that reflected back to me? This is a question I can’t WAIT to see answered. How about you?